...pummelling the poop out of it!! In recent years I have come to the realisation that I am driven, in a large part, by the desire to live life to the full. I don't want to be a spectator in my own existance. "Carpe diem" - seize the day!! However, I think that I sometimes take that a little too far OR perhaps I need to re-evaluate what seizing the day actually means to me. I am coming to the conclusion that my current definition can verge on being a wee bit detrimental to my well-being.
It's when I find myself saying 'there are just not enough hours in the day'. Well, that's just plain ridiculous....of course there are enough hours in the day, I am either not utilising them to best effect or I've got my priorities mix up OR perhaps I'm just greedy. I want to do it all!!! I want to spend lots of time with all my friends, I want to be fit & healthy, I want to do all the activities I enjoy...cooking, eating, exercising, reading, doing arty-farty stuff, watching Suits, The Mentalist, films etc. I want to feel like I'm in control and on top of things (ie. not missing friend's birthdays!!), I want to work so that I have money to aid my existance (well, ok I want the money part of that!)...and the list goes on.
Take yesterday for example. I had a great but mega busy day. I got up, ran, showered, cycled to my friend's place, helped her move from her top floor flat into a 1st floor flat (but unfortunately not in the same building!)...cycled home, had a quick cuppa with Jutta Saint at my place, went for lunch with a friend, scooted into town to meet a couple of mates for a cuppa and shopping. Got home, changed and went out to a another friend's place for a v.tasty dinner then at 10.30pm headed into town to meet a good friend for catch up drinks because he's visiting for the weekend.
Brilliant day...but unfortunately I didn't stay out as long as I wanted and by the time I got to the pub to see my mate I was shattered so wasn't on best form. I ended up bailing at 12.30am. I also had 3 vodka & oranges and felt....well not great! {This does not spell the end of me & alcohol....it is just a blip, I'm sure of it!!}
It was when I got home that it dawned on me that the feeling of being overwhelmed was creeping in to my life. Biggest indicator?? The state of my flat. It is a MESS. It needs a good tidy up and clean. I have a theory that my home is a visual representation of what's going on in my head....going by the current state of my flat...oh deary me!
It is at times like this that the uneasy feeling about my financial position starts to raise its ugly head. I have a pretty constant arguement with myself about money. I'm not in a great financial position at the moment, but I'm getting by and sorting things out. I'm on a great big count down to the end of 2014 when all my debts (except mortgage and student loan) shall be paid off but in the mean time I still need to live. I live to a tight-ish budget most of the time, but 1. it could be tighter and 2. I sometimes fall off the wagon. But at the same time I think; yup, budget could be tighter and I could have a far more frugal existance but 1. How dull and 2. What happens if I die before I get to the debt-free point and I've spent my last few months being frugal and dull?!?
Then to top it all off...there is the 'icannotbearsed' voice in my head. For example, I have the whole of today ahead and I've not made any plans. I started off, before falling asleep, giving myself permission to sleep in this morning. So I slept til 7am and spent an hour or so pretending to sleep, then switched on my laptop culminating in writing this. Rest of the day I need to tidy up & clean flat. Launder clothes. Sort mountains of paperwork that seem to be self-growing, put the items I've looked out to sell on ebay (you know, to help with the de-cluttering of flat and generating income part), do some work because I didn't really clock enough hours last week (blaming the weather & my rollerboots!), I've got a couple of projects that I've promised people I'll get back to them on, and I need to have another look at my finances and perhaps reconsider my view on living, what could potentially be my last few months of life, being frugal and dull.
The Result? I've worked out that the 'icannotbearsed' voice and the overwhelmed feeling are one and the same. ..well they certainly come hand in hand.
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