The life of...

...a 'Portfolio-er' (I may or may not have just made up this word - I'll work on it!).

In my "I'm baaack..." post, published on the 17th July, I mentioned that I was starting a new chapter.  It is a new chapter, however I'm also returning to something that I loved before but with a new-found appreciation for what I am choosing and a confidence in myself that was lacking before.

In February of this year, I took on a full-time job, one of those 'permanent employment' type roles, with regular pay.  There's a lot to be said about the stability that brings plus I learnt A LOT!!  I met a lot of wonderful people, I had a great team and I have made some new friends.  Ultimately, for me, the most surprising aspect of having taken on this role is the new found confidence and self-assurance that I have in myself.
Now, for folk that kinda know me, they might be a little confused as I am a confident individual in a lot of ways, but there are areas in my life where there is a great big knot of doubt, fear and insecurity.  I don't for one minute think that I'll ever manage to wholly win the fight against that troublesome trio (also, they have their place), but I do think that I've managed to loosen the knot a little.

What wasn't working for me was the amount of hours (crazy hours every week), and the fact that I was doing the same thing day in, day out in a job that my heart wasn't in.  Of course, there was some variety, but in general all of the work required one aspect of my personality and set of skills and as time passed by I realised that 1. I was exhausted all the time (but not in a fulfilling way), 2. I felt that I was loosing a part of myself 3. I was feeling trapped.

It is important to point out that this is in no way a reflection of the people, place or my employers - indeed, they are all lovely.  This is about me.  I am a big believer in things happening for a reason; this may not be true, but what is true is that with that belief comes the inherent want to find the reason and hopefully a lesson that one can learn from.

For me, this job tackled a lot of fears (gained through previous experiences) head on.  I couldn't hide away in my pj's behind my laptop, replaying scenarios until I felt exhausted.  This job allowed me to see that I can do certain things that hadn't worked out before and even on occasion, wasn't half bad at.

The reason that I decided to walk away from that job is because I felt that I had what I needed.  I learnt that I'm not cut out to do the same thing exclusively all the time.  I like variety, I like having different aspects of my personality and different skill sets called to play.  I get a great satisfaction working as part of a team, but I also thrive working on my own.  I like using my left-side of my brain, as much as my right side.  I love working with my hands, being practical and creative; but I also enjoy thinking critically, working out how people tick, finding new ways to approach a challenge.  Deadlines and pressure certainly have their place in my world, but so does stopping and appreciating the colour, scent, texture and sound of the world around us.

For me, the way to achieve all of the above is to have a 'Portfolio' career.  It's not conventional, but then neither am I.  I can flit from working with animals, spending time in my studio, dressing smartly and attend business meetings; or not dressing so smartly, sitting in front of my laptop and writing.  My work is part of my life and I don't need to have the work and social aspects of my life completely separate, I like being able to have them meshed together.  I appreciate that does not suit everyone, but it seems to suit me. My needs lie in feeling like I am achieving, creating, challenged, making a difference, experiencing....living.

Today I was brave...

...even standing at the bottom where the rocks live.

Day 4 - After a pleasant and productive morning of preparing food & stock items for the kitchen cupboards and freezer...flavoured salts, big pot of soup with homemade stock, herb ice-cubes with left-over stock etc, I chose to do something that I've never done or wanted to do before - I had Josh take a photo of me standing in my underwear.  No breathing in, no flattering angles or filters.  It was awful; both the experience and the resulting image.

I don't want to be unfit nor carry about all this excess weight.  I don't want my boobs to be competing with my bellies over which wobbles the most when doing any kind of physical activity.  I want to be able to climb the stairs to the Penthoose without being out of breath.  I want to run if I feel like running, and having that whooooshy feeling of freedom that I used to get as a kid.  I want to try so many different activities and sports without thinking about how my lack of fitness will let me down, and have those waves of embarrassment crash over me when I hold up a group activity because I'm stuck or have run out of energy/strength/breath.

I want my body to live up to my mind's image of me.

I feel that to properly embrace this new life-style and achieve my goals, I have to face me.  I have to truly recognise who and where I am; what I have done to get here and hopefully try and understand all my triggers and weaknesses, whilst also taking the time to identify and amplify my motivators.  How else can I win this fight with my weaker-self?

I am guilty of being rather gun-ho.  I completely over-hauled my diet (I managed to cut out processed sugar completely from my diet for 4 whole months, until that fateful trip to Glasgow involving a bag or 3 of tablet!!). I threw myself into exercise (I was going to the gym regularly and managed to improve my general level of fitness 10 fold until that fateful trip to the gym involving me, a spin bike and the resulting de-gloving of my leg).

What I have not done is what I am doing this time.  I am facing myself, which is an ugly and uncomfortable thing to do.  I am setting out my goals which are life-long, rather than 'I want to lose X amount of weight for this event/date/holiday'.  If I make short term goals, then as soon as I get there then it's game-over in my head.  I can't think like that, I need to implement this as a life-long, life-style change.

With this in mind I have my own set of rules:

• I am not giving up Gin.  I enjoy gin, it stays. 
• I'm not giving up Earl Grey Tea, it stays for the same reason as gin.  
• I will not count calories or points - it doesn't work for me, it's just so bloody dull.  
• I will indulge in cooking more, it's something that I really enjoy plus it's essential for the success of my new life-style.
• Start saving for a dish-washer!!
• My aim is to cut down on processed sugars so they are at a minimum...obviously my love of a good G&T scuppers me cutting them out all together.
• Move more!!  I used to be such an active person, and I miss that a lot!  So that makes it worth fighting for.  This involves me going to the gym in my current state, which is challenging but fuck it, I got myself into this state, I need to get myself out!
• Stay mindful.
• Prioritise things that make me happy and work at maintaining that priority.
• Eat.  Both properly and regularly.
• Sleep (this is a big one for me as I often suffer from insomnia, hopefully improved diet and exercise shall help combat this)
• Be kind.

I don't think that this list is complete, but it's my starting point...