...I was braver! There are times when I face fears and get that great sense of achievement, and I enjoy that, but of course it usually comes along with lots of deep breaths, racing pulse and the question 'wtf am I doing?' but I can't recall ever regretting facing a fear. So why then have I not managed to face my ultimate fear??
In general I'm a logical person, I need to understand the 'why' & 'how' behind something, which unfortunately isn't always possible when dealing with a range of human emotions, but it's something that I strive for. Does that mean that I'm over-analytical? Yes, most likely, but the reason is to gain understanding, knowledge and ultimately the wisdom to either avoid or repeat whatever behaviour/situation I have experienced (not always successfully you understand!). I realise that I'm simplifying things some what but there is no one here to point that out and I can ignore myself quite easily (I bet others wish they had that power - I'm not an easy person to ignore, I just happen to have more practise than most!!).
Of course I don't always display logical behaviour...and damn-it that's VERY annoying. For example when I've got pmt (pms) or if I'm in an irrational rage/mood. THE worst thing is that I KNOW I am being unreasonable and yet can I snap out of it?....8.7 times out of 10 - nope!
Anyway, recently I started to read a book called 'The Chimp Paradox' by Dr. Steve Peters. This book was recommened to me and I have to admit that it took a wee while to get into it. But I hit chapter 4 and it's become an easier read....and it has led me to my current topic. It's all about ones inner chimp...I've called my one Norm :) Basically Dr Steve illustrates the conflict that one can have between the logical brain (which is refered to as the 'Human') versus the emotional brain (the 'Chimp'). It didn't come as any surprise to me that the 'Chimp' is about 5 times stronger than the 'Human' and if one doesn't manage ones 'Chimp' it can rule your life. I think one of the reasons it has taken me a while to get into the zone with this book is that initially I found the way he was using 'Chimp', 'Human', 'Computer' etc as his descriptive tools, a little patronising - but now that I'm further into the book it's working for me.
So far the ideas he's illustrating are ringing true and helping to bring sense to some of my behaviours. However I have become a little stuck with...fear, well one fear in particular!!
Fear is a strong emotion and in my case falls under the control of Norm. Now, I think that Norm and I have managed to work together pretty harmoniously through a lot of life and we have also managed to work our way through some of my fears. In general I think it's fair to say that a good chunk of fears are irrational (not all, but a lot) and Norm allows me to use logic to calm him down and get on with the task in hand. One activity I shall never argue with Norm over is bungy jumping. It's a really, really stupid activity and neither Norm or I have a desire to do it (but I still want to jump out of a plane, preferably (actually this part is non-negotiable) with a fully operational parachute and someone on my back who can use it).
However, there is this one fear that I have; one that I haven't managed to convince Norm would be a good idea that we conquor....and it's one that I would really, really like to defeat. And that is my fear of....love! There I said it! I'm 29(ish) and I have a fear of love (in the context of relationships with someone of the opposite sex). My logical brain doesn't understand this AT ALL. I come from a loving, stable family. My parents have got a great relationship and have just past their 40th anniversary and are still happily married. I had a great upbringing, I've got wonderful, wonderful friends (both male & female) who I adore (I feel like I'm now bragging!!) and I have plenty of excellent role models around me, and yet....I have not found a way to win Norm round. There have been glimmers in the past, but unfortunately the experiences have not ended with positive outcomes, other than perhaps having the "Well, just as well you got away from him/out of that situation when you did, it could have been so much worse further down the line" - uhuh...yup, good point well made, but this is not going to help me convince Norm that we should give this another go anytime soon.
Yes, so I've experienced being cheated on, dumped, hurt, lied to, humiliated...blah, blah, but haven't most people? And don't most people JUST GET OVER IT?? I've also met and spent time with some (ok, probably just two...three at a stretch) lovely, decent guys and it's just not worked out. The chemistry hasn't been there - aka. they didn't make me laugh (v.v.important). But for some reason, those experiences don't seem to carry much weight with Norm. We (i.e. Norm & I) have developed a second-to-none defense system, which, those who have witnessed it have been impressed with (but not in a positive way ~ it usually ends up with me on the receiving end of a well-deserved lecture about my behaviour/attitude etc).
I think one of my issues may stem from the fact that being single is a comfort zone for me. I'm not desperate to meet someone, actually the older I get the more I think of the hassle it would cause. I live a very selfish life which is...well, all about me!! I'm good at being single. But then I don't want to miss out on what I've been told is a not-easy-but-worth-while-experience because of fear...because quite frankly that's just lame.
So what to do?? Well I'm hoping that Chapter 5 might shed some light. In the meantime I have to say that I'm pretty pleased that I've found 'someone else' to blame....Norm - you are not only my chimp, but you are also my scape goat! Damn it's like having a menagerie in my head, no wonder it's not a quiet, peaceful place to be!!!
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